Vacuosity

Love in boxes

I think the inconsistency of this journal is going to continue. It will just get worse as the month disappears and our time wears thin.

As the days pass, and the time now until we move is just over two weeks, all the things still left to do loom large. One things that still remains is all the people we still have to see and say goodbye to. It's weird. I haven't been in this position before where we need to think of everyone in our life seek them out.

I also keep getting worried that people might buy me, or us, some sort of gift. I don't know why exactly, but I wouldn't want that at all. I was afraid that they might do that at work, and was relieved to see nothing like that there.

Gifts always leave me uncomfortable. On one hand, I'm hard to buy for. I'm too picky, so I'm rarely ecstatic about any gift I get. I hate having to pretend that I like something when I really don't. The other hand has something to do with, I think, not ever getting presents as a child. I feel like I don't deserve it.

But it's kind of the same with the goodbyes. I don't like a whole lot of fuss over us. Despite the fact that I know people like me, I guess I never fully believe that my presence is having a profound effect on their lives, or that deep down, I really, really matter to them. Times when that is unequivicably demonstrated are hard for me to deal with. They leave me weepy and exposed.

There is so much history for us here in Toronto. For me, it's 28 years of it. And while all of it is precious to me, even the worst of it, very little of any of that time is untainted by negative experiences or memories. There's so much baggage. But I'm not leaving it behind. I've just got a nice big basement where it can stay neatly tucked away.

posted by David @ 7:16 a.m.