Vacuosity

Grief

Fellow (and far more experienced) blogger Ariel, is enduring deeply felt grief over the death of an ex-boyfriend several years ago, when a dream brought back a flurry of memories with painful lucidity.

Reading of her distress has brought to mind a few memories of my own:

Firstly, it reminds me how amazed I am by the fact that our dream selves always seem far more insightful than our waking ones. Once I awoke in the middle of the night, after a dream about a co-worker, convinced that he was on the verge of suicide; a thought that had never occurred to me during the day. I was so bothered by this absolute belief that I was compelled to call him right then, at 4:00 AM. He never answered, but I have always felt that it was important, and perhaps, just my calling was enough.

I think of my friend Lydia, whose dreamtime counterpart grieves for a beloved pet regularly, and think that our dream selves are often the wiser and more compassionate us.

I also think about my mother. I haven't seen my mother in about 8 years. And it had been about 2 years before that time, for reasons too complicated to explain here. But, long after our estrangement was well-established, one night I just broke down. I had never been able to cry for her. For years I lived, just ignoring the circumstance, not allowing myself to feel that sadness. But then, that night, I could. I cried for all the pain, the loss, the empty hope, the unrealized potential.

Sometimes, I think we just find ourselves in the right time and place to grieve, and there's nothing you can do to hurry the trip there.

posted by David @ 10:35 p.m.